Blog by Chloe Tear, award winning disability writer, speaker, and activist
I’m writing this blog post while sat in a cafe, with Dezzie sleeping at my feet. This seemingly mundane task is something I’ve looked forward to for a long time — it’s huge and I’m actually emotional. Dezzie is oblivious to the enormity of this moment, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Dezzie and I are now a qualified partnership! It’s been about a month, it has gone so quickly!
It was emotional
My last blog post was about the residential part of guide dog training. That post was mainly factual about what happened during the first 2 weeks of our training. This time I hope to talk more about the emotional impact of the training and how a guide dog has already changed my life.
Read more: On class, guide dog residential training
I’ll be honest, the first few days in the hotel at the start of training were overwhelming. I’m no stranger to a challenge and problem solving is something that comes naturally. However, we had so much to learn. It was all new and the tiredness set in quickly, but I was so happy. After 2 and a half years on the waiting list, the time had come.
Even then, I fully appreciated how much Dezzie was going to change my life.
Grieving what was lost, in awe of what’s to come
It’s hard to describe. Part of me was in awe and shock that it was actually happening.
The other part of me began to realise how much independence I had lost over the last few years. I knew the impact of sight loss, but rarely thought too deeply about. In a way, it was too painful to fully acknowledge the loss. It was easier to focus on what I could do and enjoy that.
I believe the whirlwind of the last few years made it easier: I started a new job as a content designer, continued to do freelance work, moved into my own house and was in a new relationship. I moved into my own house just over a year ago. This was a welcome distraction. It enabled me to focus on how independent I could be within the 4 walls of my home. It’s been an incredible journey and I don’t want to downplay that.
However, guide dog training made me very aware that I’d not grieved the loss of my independence. Instead, I had brief moments of frustration towards myself, while remaining solution focused. When I started my training with Dezzie, it highlighted how much I was dependent on others to leave the house. Even from day 1 of training we were navigating the hotel independently with our guide dogs. This was not something I was used to. At times, it was very overwhelming to be training to gain independence and acknowledging years of loss at the same time.
For me, my independence was previously held together by train assistance, enabling me to travel and meet up with friends. Even when I couldn’t navigate my local town independently.
Transitioning from a long cane to a guide dog
I’ve used a long white cane for around 6 years. I didn’t rely on it at the start, but after a steady deterioration in my sight, it became a core part of how I mobilised.
Having a guide dog is a completely different way of getting from A to B. There were a few times when I questioned if I could do it. Not because I didn’t want to, far from it! But due to the amount of knowledge and learning it involved. Especially when I knew training was 5 weeks. That being said, I was amazed at how quickly it became second nature.
I’ve never had a guide dog before so even the act of walking with one and not a long cane took some getting used to. I was so used to feeling the floor as a way of orientating myself. Not only that, I also had switched back to using my walking stick again.
Read more: White cane Vs yellow stick
I struggle with coordination at the best of times. Switching mobility aids was a lot to get my head around. I’ve exclusively used a long cane for the last few years, even picking up my walking stick felt strange and unnatural. Initially this was one of the reasons why I applied for a guide dog. Having cerebral palsy and being visually impaired meant I needed to use both a long white cane and a walking stick to mobilise.
How my cerebral palsy impacted guide dog training
On the whole, I was pleasantly surprised at how I handled the physical aspects of training.
For me, it was mainly more pain and fatigue, but I’d anticipated this. I walked more during training than I had in years. It wasn’t necessarily how far we walked, but walking a considerable distance every day was something I’m not used to. Usually, I would be indoors during the week due to work, then do most of my walking on a weekend. The break in between became a good recovery buffer — enabling pain and fatigue to not get out of hand.
What helped during training?
To manage pain during training I increased my daily medication for pain and muscle spasticity, as well as taking more of my ‘if needed’ painkillers. For the most part, it seemed to help and enabled me to complete the 5 week training programme.
Yet I don’t think I’ve been as fatigued in a long time! During the second week of training, I slept for 12 hours. This meant missing dinner and waking up the following morning. I also had so many naps during training. Even smaller walks that normally would be within my limits were leaving me really fatigued
Since completing training. I’ve continued to have higher doses of medication, but this is due to consistently walking more.
Working a guide dog on my left
I have mild left hemiplegic spastic cerebral palsy. Essentially, this means my cerebral palsy predominately affected the left side of my body. While my legs are most affected, my left hand and arm are a lot weaker and can have muscle spasms or contractions.
Guide dogs are trained work on the left, this was always going to be a challenge. I could have had a guide dog that trained to work on the right, as an adjustment, but I wanted to try. As previously mentioned, a guide dog enabled me to use my walking stick again, meaning my right hand was already in use.
It has taken some getting used to, but having a thicker handle made it easier to hold onto. The only problem seems to be if Dezzie goes too quick. This means it pulls on the handle and is really painful. However, this isn’t something that happens often we’ve worked on it.
What’s next?
Over the coming months, Dezzie and I will be trying out new routes and building up our confidence as a partnership. My work are due to have new office soon and it will be great to use that space once a week. Not only will I get to socialise with colleagues, it will be a new route in a city centre for Dezzie to learn.
At the moment we are still staying local and practicing things like getting the bus and settling when out in public. Dezzie has been great when out and about, but can be nervous in new situations or during a new route. On the other hand, there are times when he gets excited by other dogs or people, but he’s still a puppy, I can’t complain!
I’m really enjoying the newfound freedom and independence, I’m sure they’ll be many more adventures to come.
~ Chloe x
